Note: On May 23, 2008, I started my first blog called My Life in a Cult using the nom de plume Freedom Writer. It was my first time being completely free to speak out about my years inside the cult. After making 13 posts, I decided to block the blog until after the criminal trial of Swami Prakashanand Saraswati. I will repost all of the blog posts here as an archive. The following was my third blog post on My Life in a Cult.
Published: 1 June 2008
Updated: 22 March 2025
In the weeks and months I spent trying to wrap my mind around the awful truth that I had joined a sex cult called Jagadguru Kripalu Parishat, I found spiritual guidance in the most unexpected places — popular music.
One day while trying to make sense of my new reality, I heard a song on the radio that spoke to my confusion and pain. It was Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows.” These lyrics, in particular, stood out:
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody’s got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
In JKP, they taught us that we are in a boat in the middle of the vast ocean of maya. Unless we let the guru become our captain and steer our boats, we could not make it to our destination, the divine shore. It might be true that you need a guru, but, if it is, you most certainly do not need one who lies to you and who rapes children.
Not too long after that, I heard one of Bob Dylan’s classic songs, “Things Have Changed.” A part of the lyrics spoke directly to my situation and my new attitude about the cult:
(I’m) Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed
An interesting — and telling — thing about these lyrics is that one day I recited one of the lines while among a group of devotees. Everyone was complaining about some difficult and conflicting aspect of our lives in the ashram. I said, “I used to care, but things have changed.” I was surprised when everyone within earshot seemed to understand exactly what I meant. This confirmed to me that, indeed, almost everyone did know “that the captain lied.”
Next, I heard Kid Rock’s one and only ballad on the radio: “Only God Knows Why.” This song instantly became the theme song of my life at that time. I logged into the YouTube video and listened to it over and over. These lyrics rang remarkably true for me:
Only God knows why I’ve been giving, just ain’t been getting
I’ve been walking that there line
So I think I’ll keep on walking
With my head held high
I’ll keep moving on
The lyrics of these songs and others not only spoke to my life at that time, but also soothed my aching soul. They spoke to the fact that I had been out of the relatively safe world and in this unsafe cult for far too long — that I had been giving and giving to this organization, but receiving absolutely nothing in return (namely, the divine love the gurus promised). At least I woke up and came to my senses. And now I was moving on.
Isn’t it funny how sometimes you can find spiritual guidance in so many places — except where you are looking for it?
Comments from my former blog, My Life in a Cult:
rajabd: Thank you so much for sharing your stories and opening your heart. We all have pretty much the same experience and have gone through a lot. Some souls suffered more then others. I admire Freedom Writer coming forward and sharing these heartbreaking stories. We were with this mission for 16 years, and got nothing except agony and pain. I learned from my personal experiences that these JKP gurus are hungry for money, women, and power. Their dictatorship nature controls everyone, and puts fear in everyone’s mind. This is the first sign of cult. It had been year and half since we left this organization and never missed anything. I feel free now, especially free of their dirty tricks. I request Freedom Writer to give some thought to publishing a book about our experiences in his cult. Our eyes are open and now we can see through the dark clouds that were covering the truth.
FreedomWriter: Rajabd, I like your idea of a book a lot. If we could get a dozen or so people to contribute stories of their bad experiences. I think the starting point is to find the people ready and willing to share how they were mistreated in this cult. Do you have ideas on who would contribute? Then we can plan from there how to pull the project together. Thanks so much and let me know your thoughts. People could also send me short stories and I can post them here as well.
rajabd: Freedom Writer, I have people who want to say so much. But some don’t want to open their mouth until the settlement of the criminal case against Prakashanand. Yes, we can easily get more than dozen. The book doesn’t need to be thick and big. We can write about what goes there, what had happened, and everyone’s experience. This will help educate people about how to avoid this cult and not get trapped in the name of religion or gurus. God is within us. We don’t need to search for God anywhere. Also, God cannot be human. Take care. One day we will all meet with each other. I will let others know too so they can post their stories. Take care.
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